Monthly Archives: April 2021

How do you know when…?

One result of the continuing shutdowns and lockdowns is that I’ve been going through old files. The other day I found a batch of entries to the Challenge column I used to run at The Globe and Mail, and it’s worth sharing a few of them. The authors’ names are in brackets. If they amuse you, check out the Nestlings Press book How You Can Tell You’ve Moved Next Door to Satan (and Other Tips for Daily Life), which has 176 pages of similar gems – and illustrations to match.

How do you know you are a poor housekeeper? Your children think Easter eggs are delivered by the dust bunny. (Alanna Little)

You know you’ve stayed too late at the restaurant when the waiters stack the chairs – with you on one of them. (Gary E. Miller)

How do you know the deep-discount cruise wasn’t a good idea? The first clue is the long row of oars with chains and padlocks. (Gordon Findlay)

How do you know you’ve been cloned? Somehow you’re just not yourself any more. (Cheryl Minuk)

You know you’ve been conned when the coin you bought is inscribed “200 B.C.” (Audrey M. Bates)

You know your audience with the Pope didn’t go well when afterward you get traded to the Anglicans for future consideration. (Jerry Kitich)

You know you’re watching too much TV when you try to use the zapper to wake up your children. (John O’Byrne)

You know it’s time to buy a new computer when the Babbage Company notifies you they will no longer provide technical support for your Difference Engine No. 1. (Bruce W. Alter)

You know you need to wash your car if the speeding ticket says your car is grey, when it’s really white. (Arthur Chapman)

You know your party is too loud when the airport calls to complain about the noise. (Arthur Chapman)

You know you’ve gained too much weight when your talking scale says, “One at a time, please.” (John Roberts)

You know your blood pressure is too high if the nurse steps back a few feet as he pumps up the gauge. (Karl Dilcher)

How do you know when you have a computer virus? How do you know when you have a computer virus? How do you know when you have a computer virus? How do … (Brian Yamashita)